my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
