sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
