i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
