i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sext me about skeletons
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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