What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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