We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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