Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
