woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
