guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
