Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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