Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
