I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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