What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
