U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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