I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
