And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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