I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
