Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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