SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
