I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
