he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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