took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
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His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
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you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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