Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
