so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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