If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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