does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
