I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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