Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
only you would photoshop your dick
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
