Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
