I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
