I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
