Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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