i just wanna soil my oats bro
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
