I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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