im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
