when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
