Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
