his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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