Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Someone shattered a urinal.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
