I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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