I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
