shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I party with great urgency now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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