Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
