I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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