so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
