no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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