dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
