he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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