There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
