You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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