I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
