The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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