I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
