this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
