I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize