Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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