Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my shit smells like andre
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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