i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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