If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
