I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
