they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
