Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Green mimosas i think yes
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
