one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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