guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
