he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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